


marred by lament (he disavowed the sun)

by jehobvihosabi



Series: ATLA [1]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, M/M, Retelling, Warning: Here Be Dragons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-07-10 16:54:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19909045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jehobvihosabi/pseuds/jehobvihosabi
Summary: It wasn’t worth it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The_Wavesinger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Wavesinger/gifts).



> Canon Compliant, except for where I made up everything and retconned some other things but eh, Here Be Dragons.
> 
> I want to express effusive love for my beta, [anachronist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anachronist/pseuds/anachronist). Without you, this fic would not even be half its current quality. Thank you so much. Truly. Your encouragement, your squee, your multiple assurances that I wasn't completely insane. And all the wonderful comments and criticisms that gave me the drive to be push through and improve. Thank you for all of it.
> 
> Dear [The_Wavesinger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Wavesinger/),  
> So with the deadline closing in very, very soon, I was perusing requests for RMSE and I came across yours, and I read your letter— I was beyond inspired by your words, your prompt, and just the pairing itself. I cannot express enough how much this fic would just never have existed if not for your request. Your letter... it was truly a work of art.  
> (also, you said maybe, hopefully, dragons? so monkey brain latched on to that and now this story is like 25% dragons)
> 
> When I was a youngin,' I had the episode 'The Avatar and the Firelord' DVRed and I would watch it relentlessly; it is my most-watched episode of ATLA by far, which considering the number of times I have watched and rewatched and watched this show, is quite an achievement. And I never really understood why I was so obsessed. Being older, I now understand that it was the complicated relationship that turned so very sour that had me enthralled.
> 
> So this story is dedicated to both of you and my younger self. <3
> 
> I also blame this story for the deadly blow it dealt to my sanity this past week. >.>

And he closed his eyes. And he remembered. And he **regretted**.

◆ ◆ ◆

The hand resting on his shoulder tightened its grip by an infinitesimal amount. “You don’t have to do this alone, you know.”

Sozin turned to regard the earnest face of his friend and couldn’t help the fond smile flowing forth. “It’s a rite of passage, Roku. You know, _tradition_.”

“For Agni’s sake, we both know why you’re doing this and it’s not because of _that_ ,” his best-friend scoffed at him. “You, of all people, couldn’t be less traditional if you tried; the only truly _traditional_ thing about you is that hairstyle you refuse to let go of.”

He paused until Sozin inclined his head, conceding the point, and then Roku shifted, making his way closer. The smile slipped off of his friend’s face— a rare moment of seriousness. Clasping his hands together, Roku continued his entreat, “You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to do this.”

“Then I want to come.”

The prince studied Roku briefly before huffing out, “You really want to? _You?_ ” He winced at his disbelieving tone. However, before he could smooth over his unthinking words—

His friend shifted, severe posture melting into wistful fancy. “Your lack of faith in my abilities wounds me deeply,” Roku said, gripping his heart dramatically, hand splayed over his forehead.

Sozin gaped for a full minute and then couldn’t prevent surprised laughter, undignified posture a rare sight for those that didn’t know him, gladdened that Roku wasn’t hurt by his words. The other tried to look disapproving, even with _that_ ridiculous posture still in place, but soon his snickering melded with Sozin’s.

Shared mirth faded into a comfortable, peaceful repose. Sozin leaned back on his hands, tilting his head back as he stared into a dazzling sun. Any opposition remaining faltered, crossing into its funeral march. He faced Roku. “Okay.”

“Okay?” his friend questioned, tone lilting up into hopefulness.

The prince ran a hand through messy hair, pushing back the fringe that hung loose and impeded his sight, the very opposite of his usually flawless appearance. At Roku’s keenness, his certainty only grew. “Okay. You can come. I’d appreciate the company.”

Roku lit up at the simple acceptance, rising without warning. “I’m going to go pack. Don’t go anywhere!” he shouted, pointing at the unmoving, seated figure of the wide-eyed young prince.

“I have to go see my father! I… wait! Roku!” Sozin palmed his face, recognizing the futility of shouts directed at a back that had already departed. He sighed in exasperation. “He could’ve at least waited for an answer before rushing off.”

✹ ✹

It wasn’t until they were about to leave that it truly dawned on him what he had signed up for, _and he had dragged Roku along on this fool’s errand_.

✹ ✹

It was humbling, being away from any form of comfort, any luxury he had become accustomed. And they were alone, the vastness of nature their only company apart from one another. Nothing to _aid_ them. It was only them, and their skills alone that they could rely.

Sozin regarded the wide, open skies, and the expansive, wild landscape, eyes roaming, unable to settle on any one thing, and turned to see his friend in a similar state: one of quiet awe and wordless appreciation.

Twilight rained down, painting the surroundings in luminous rays of ever-twinkling light, producing a scene he’d never seen outside of paintings. Reds and oranges cast over and in-between gaps of shallow valleys, and winds rushed a bracing current through. He had never before seen such rolling hills and cloudless, endlessly _blue_ skies. Nothing but sprawling green spread out as far as the eye could see.

The quiet didn’t last; they never could be silent for long when they were together. “It’s so beautiful. I’ve only heard tales of the Dragon Lands, but they don’t do it justice. It’s so...” the taller boy trailed off, voice hushed in reverence.

“Yeah,” was the only thing Sozin could muster, throat closing up. They weren’t even close to where the dragons roamed, but his heart struck up a fierce, uncontrollable thundering.

A nudge and a concerned look gently questioned him. The prince breathed out a slow, measured breath.

“What if I can’t do it?” he asked, voice quiet, hiding his face.

“Then you can’t.” The answer was immediate if unasked for.

Sozin whirled on Roku, hands fisted, spine rigid, a flurry of confusion and outrage standing at attention, “Aren’t you supposed to be giving me words of encouragement here?” He nearly launched into another question, agitation an obstruction he couldn’t swallow, but his voice died on a sudden exhale when he noticed the complicated expression uncoiling itself on the firebender’s face.

His friend’s exposed expression twisted further at the scrutiny, puckering into something sour, “Is this the right thing?”

The remark so unexpected, the prince could only stare, but the other avoided meeting his gaze. Sozin bit his lip. Anxiety crawled into ruthless dissonance; the tense beat leading his heart drifted in a maze, stalled, then began anew, a different melody discovered.

It was as if the duo were having two separate conversations, both on opposing ends of the other.

Sozin, unable to suffer the silence, leaned into his friend’s space and laid a hand on his shoulder. A warm, comforting weight, a pause, and then the inevitable question, “What are you talking about?”

“I mean… these are living, breathing creatures, Sozin. Is it really our right to decide who lives and dies?” Roku’s voice was impossibly soft, a contrast to the cacophony residing in the prince’s chest. The gaze that stared into Sozin’s seemed to be pleading with him, imploring him; he searched Roku’s eyes, but meaning eluded, flittering away, deep into dark depths.

“They’re just dragons,” Sozin protested, baffled, hand flown back, uncertain, refrain collapsing, undone.

“I guess.” His friend’s agreement was half-hearted and all further attempts at communication were subtly rebuffed.

The prince just didn’t understand.

Roku didn’t explain himself further.

✹ ✹

The dry, unrelenting heat of the day had gradually gone before truly departing over the course of their long ride. The trek was relentless; they hadn’t planned any breaks, but they also didn’t know what, exactly, they were searching for, so onwards they went to some unknown horizon.

✹ ✹

Sozin was _bored_. He chanced a look behind him and saw Roku, eyes lidded, drifting off: a perfect opportunity.

A broad grin broke out covering the wide expanse of his face. “Ta Min, how nice it is to see you today, and may I say you look particularly beautiful on this fine morning?”

As foreseen, the other firebender’s head shot up instantaneously. “Ta Min! I…” he glanced about, head comically swivelling in all directions, before realizing where exactly he was and who he was with. Open adoration crumbled as quickly as it came, veneer shedding as true face emerged; the sleep-sunk glare Roku shot his way was anything but pleasant, brow twitching, and a minute frown teasing the bow of his lips.

Sozin shrugged back, unrepentant, grin still firmly affixed, mood buoyed, _entertained_ , “You were falling asleep.”

His friend slumped his shoulders and accepted his fate with a sigh. “You couldn’t have woken me any other way? I was about ready to have a heart attack.”

“But then you wouldn’t have woken up. It’s for the best. I was doing you a _favor_ , really.”

Yet Roku didn’t heed his words, gaze suddenly caught somewhere to the prince’s right. Sozin followed the turn of his head and the _gasp_ that came out of him was only natural, for there were—

“Dragons,” he breathed quietly, terrified, tension singing a chorus along his nerves.

Roku nodded at him, eyes sparkling. “Dragons!” he confirmed, voice thrumming with excitement.

✹ ✹

Fire blazed, painting the landscape into deeper shades of sunset and where it emerged— long and sinewy, lined with iridescent scales stretching along, the dragon twisted and turned its body in seamless shapes and swirls; its bearing immense even from the gaping distance.

_Wonder._

_Awe._

_It pierced through them both like a dagger through the heart._

There was no other word besides otherworldly, the sight before them... nothing imagined could ever equal this marvel. Most people would have never, ever _seen_ anything akin to what they were currently witnessing and Sozin felt a deep respect for what was intangible, _unfathomable_.

He was glad that Roku was by his side, beholding the same view. Elation shared, this soaring thrill, the prince wouldn’t be able to forget this; neither, he thought, would Roku.

Into a whirlwind, the dragon’s flutter grew bold, volatile, the circular pattern growing ever faster. And then, it stopped suddenly, as if on a precipice.

_Waiting._

Torrential gales wailed past. Flames danced up to greater heights.

And. The dragon stood still.

Waiting.

A breath got caught in the back of his throat. _Another one_ came out, striking quick, a bolt of blue, sprouting from seemingly nowhere. They dived and glided around the other in a dance known only to the two of them. The fire they breathed… he had never seen _so many colors_. A dancing flame glided, compelling in its lithe movement akin to its creators;

it was mystical,

 _magical_.

A flood of red and blue collided against and together, and then a tornado of overpowering flame flashed and exploded extensively outwards. The prince could feel the heat crawling across his body, even from the incredible distance; he couldn’t imagine the boiling intensity at zenith.

Without a thought, Roku stepped closer, held in thrall, childlike wonder shown in widened-eyes and gaping visage. Sozin shot a hand out, stopping him in his tracks. The look his friend shot him was inquiring; the look he fired back was disbelieving.

“You can’t go out there without a plan! I would like to take you home _alive_ , thanks.”

Fear crawled a course up the prince’s spine when he saw the stubborn set of Roku’s jaw. “I don’t think they’re going to hurt us, Sozin,” his friend said, quiet conviction lacing his words.

He was set on this, wasn’t he. What could Sozin even say to dissuade? Roku was headstrong in a way only he could be.

“Don’t you see their size?” He knew logic was a lost cause as soon as Roku had opened his mouth, but he couldn’t stand by and let the other firebender to walk into certain disaster without a protest. “The amount of fire they’re throwing around like it’s nothing?”

The other firebender turned more fully into Sozin. “I just have a feeling.” A pause and an idle, frustrated smoothing of long, dark hair— _strikingly long hair just hanging loose, Sozin wanted_ —

A frustrated sigh, an exhale, and then a beseeching look. “Just... _trust_ me?” Sozin couldn’t deny the silent plea a second time.

 _Nothing_ , it turned out. His friend had the self-preservation of a lily-fly.

Slumping forward in resignation, he clasped the hand that Roku held out. _He had been asked for trust, so trust he gave_. “If we die because of your _feeling_ …”

“We won’t,” and his friend pulled him along.

✹ ✹

Venturing forth into certain destruction, Sozin lamented all the life choices that had led to this point. As the distance waned, as the temperature surrounding them reached a fever pitch and, somehow, continued climbing, the more strained his breathing became. He rooted his gaze to Roku’s back, and after a period, remembered how to breathe.

Hand in hand, they ran headlong into a nearing inferno. Despite his mounting dread, he found himself laughing and Roku only looked back at him indulgently before urging them on.

It wasn’t long before their arrival disrupted the dance, both dragons halting as one and regarding them. Pinpricks of ice seized his gut, and goosebumps raced outwards, fanning his skin akin to a blight. However, where he stood frozen, terror an iron chain tethering him to where he stood, Roku’s hand in his own only tightened, stubborn and insistent.

Sozin squeezed back in acknowledgement, and his friend tugged them ever closer. Prior to this, the dragons had not made any movements. Yet, now with the duo so near, they came down from the heavens.

✹ ✹

Scales glittered in sinking sun, the brightness blinding his sight; but still, he stared, taken in, stuck on a scene that had only a little while ago been mythical. The dragon, likewise, regarded him, the slitted pupils, unknown and entirely unworldly, locked onto his, and their precarious connection kept.

The eyes that stared into his own held multitudes and he couldn’t understand, _wouldn’t_ understand. He squeezed his eyes determinedly shut, ready for a blow that never came. The stopped heart inside him trembled, and then hesitatingly restarted.

His muscles untensed, he lowered his arms; defensive posture warily shed, he opened his gaze to see a mouthful of fire coming straight at him and he—

✹ ✹

— existed within. Billows of flame, flowing every-which-way around him, through him. He was the center of the storm; and he could tell, it was coming from him as much as the blue dragon.

Standing inside that enveloping, _welcoming_ flame— akin to a warm embrace, he had to admit to himself that _maybe Roku had been right_.

The wonderment was all-consuming, an effervescent sensation fizzling inside, rushing underneath skin, sparking and igniting a rolling impression. Bursts of exhilaration warred with mounting confusion. He was here. He was _here_. _And it was magnificent_. Yet. He was supposed to bring back a hide, but could— could he actually— bring himself to—

He knitted brows together, closed his eyes in reverence, and forced a harsh swallow down his parched throat, clasping his hands together. His face tilted to the heavens, Sozin wished for something, _anything_. _Oh, he didn’t want to_ —

“Wish for guidance?” The voice that spoke to him carried comforting warmth and he knew, without any prompting, the dragon was calling out to him. He didn’t say a word; he could feel the examination deep within as if the dragon could see straight through to the essence of him. A rumbling purr of approval resounded within his mind and he relaxed muscles he hadn’t even realized had tensed anew.

“My child now?”

“Don’t I get a choice in this?” his voice came out teasing, despite the fear.

The dragon hummed— she sounded _pleased_. “Mine now.”

And he had to laugh, and laugh, and just keep laughing. It was too much to experience in such a short while; the hysterics exploded out of him and his dragon poked at him— _how_ was she— _within his mind_ — in concern.

A warm hand clutched his shoulder before awareness returned. He looked into Roku’s gaze caught, enraptured. Vivid, brilliant flame veiled their surroundings and what remained visible— his dragon and _Roku_.

Get away,

 _get away from me_.

He didn’t have any answers, but his friend asked him no questions, only offering an easy smile, a _breathtaking_ smile. Sozin’s head spun. His dragon huffed in amusement, breaking the spell. He turned away.

Trapped _._

What was unsaid, what was true— stained, marked— _caught in a lie_.

_You’re too far away._

“Did your dragon talk to you, too?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“She? What’s her name?” Roku cocked his head, intrigue layering his tone— _such an alluring look on his face_.

“Name… I didn’t?” Sozin stammered, overwhelmed.

His friend just gave him a look.

His dragon murmured soothing noises. regaining his attention, and his focus turned inwards, gaze distant.

“Aarushi.”

“O-oh, it’s nice to meet you.”

Amusement met his awkward greeting. He could sense a vast intelligence lurking in the corners of his thoughts, observing, a calm, gentle presence.

Sozin felt markedly different somehow as if he didn’t fit into his skin.

✹ ✹

In the end, the sun had dipped below the horizon and baiting fatigue came seeking, too far-reaching to ignore. Roku and Sozin ventured in search of a suitable spot, and surprisingly, the dragons followed their lead. Or maybe, catching the satisfied look on Roku’s face, it was only the prince caught off-guard.

✹ ✹

They had been searching for a while, not long enough for dusk to set but enough for fatigue to sink into their bones, before Roku shared his _bright_ idea, “Do you think… maybe… they’d let us ride?”

It took a bit to process the meaning, but when he had, he didn’t even have to say a thing to convey his absolute incredulity. But his friend didn’t need his permission; he approached the dragons that were trailing in their wake.

The red dragon perked up, its eyes tracking Roku’s movements. His friend held up his hands non-threateningly. Sozin, sighed, exasperated— they were really doing this, _weren’t. they._ — and followed.

The red dragon, who he still didn’t know the name of, lowered its head, spurring Roku on. His friend closed the distance heedlessly, smiling all the way. Sozin frowned, crossed his arms, and tried to say something, anything, yet his words were lost and came back to him unheard.

The other firebender so easily communicated with his dragon, laughter falling freely, while the prince could do nothing but warily glance at his from the corner of his eye. This time when his friend moved in closer, Sozin didn’t stop him. Roku, _somehow_ , knew what he was doing. It was utterly strange how at ease the other was with these creatures, but he wasn’t about to question a gift that could only help them.

The fire prince watched, speechless, as his friend charmed his way, voice a pleasing lull, onto the back of _that_ , on the wings of beasts as easily as you please. Of course, Roku was _just that charming_.

“Come on, Sozin! Stop gaping and get on too!” Roku made a beckoning motion; Sozin frantically shook his head. Roku pouted in disappointment. Sozin sighed, defeated.

He trudged over, dragging his feet all the way. Aarushi made pointed huffing noises; he shot his head up and stared directly at her. His dragon stood up taller, preening at his attention. Looking back at his friend, he met an encouraging gaze. So onwards he went to what was surely the most foolhardy folly of his young life.

✹ ✹

Above, cresting the clouds, Sozin was weightless; nothing could follow him up here. And they rode along, truly one with another, divorced of any feeling other than awe.

A _dive_. His stomach swooped. A _rise_. Anticipation built. And a _swerve_. He let out a loud whoop.

He leaned out to reach for what once seemed untouchable; his hand went through the white fluff of a cloud and came out wet, droplets of water speeding quickly past him. He stared at his damp hand for a few more moments and a trembling smile emerged.

He leaned back into his perch, worlds more comfortable than he would have ever imagined; not that this was a fantasy that he had ever before entertained. However, as he looked into the scarcely still form of his friend, he was starting to suspect that this had been one of Roku’s. It was surprising who had turned out to be the more adventurous one on this particular journey.

✹ ✹

Eventually, they ran out of daylight and the call back to reality blared too loudly to ignore. They disembarked, easily so, a contrast to their uncertain boarding.

He let out a slow breath, one he’d been holding in as soon as his feet had departed earth. The very foundations of his world had been torn asunder and its new shape had him walking on newly-born legs.

✹ ✹

Upon the airy high land they had settled, Sozin fed his dragon, hands halting at first, and then firm— _certain_. Sozin regarded his dragon— who didn’t look back, too busy gnawing on her food, belly-down, lazing on grassy terrain— feeling a gentle, steady warmth beating inside. He drank his fill and then turned his gaze.

The prince watched as Roku patted the length of his dragon’s snout and then bit his lip, glancing away quickly, and then back, and then he…

His friend must have caught the repetitive, nervous motion, “Do you have something you want to say?” a brow raised his way.

The nails he pressed into the rough skin of his palms sunk themselves in with increasing viciousness. “I found this cliffside a little ways out; it has an amazing view of the stars. Do you—”

“Want to watch the sky with you? Sure.” The response was light, easy.

Sozin rubbed at the back of his neck and led the way.

✹ ✹

Collapsing into an exhausted heap, Sozin let out a relieved sigh, the arduous climb up somehow seemed much longer with Roku accompanying him. “Do you think that they’ll stay? I mean, _with_ us?”

“I hope so.” Then, under the breath, “I wonder what people will say?”

At this, a large, proud, but honest smile broke out on the prince’s face, “We’ll be legends. The only people in the known world to have ever tamed dragons.”

Roku said nothing in response, and so the prince quieted, brows furrowed, excitement petering out into husked embers at the absence of returned fervor.

✹ ✹

So time passed, the two friends sharing companionable tranquillity. Silence reigned between them.

✹ ✹

Crickets chirped their lullaby happily. Light-headedness came over him as if a spun spell. Everything fell away and the subtle heartbeat of the world revealed itself, unhurried. He took it in, _all he was able_ : the roughness under his back, the scent of dew that laid itself on top of succumbing green, the way the stars winked at him from the navy veil above.

He breathed it all in and for one moment, for one dizzyingly full, _honest_ moment, the world made _sense_ and he _knew_ : he was on the right path, that this was exactly where he was meant to be.

Sensation zeroed out into a comforting, endless white, spreading a sense of total knowing and calm rushing through and around Sozin. It was at once a simple, but multifold peace.

Yet as soon as he tried to grasp onto that feeling, he crashed sharply down, back unto earth. And that sense of calm, certain purpose burst like a bubble inside his heart, sending held-back anxiety swirling like a rush, a wave, a torrent. He was, once again, as unsure and unsettled _as he always was_.

A disappointed sigh escaped, but it wasn’t him from where it originated. He slowly blinked open his eyes, rising slowly, and turned his head, shifting slightly, to see Roku, eyes shut, brows furrowed. He nudged the other firebender to which the crease of his friend’s expression only deepened. “What’s wrong?” the question exhaled itself between them.

The other’s eyes slowly unsealed and then, “I’ve never seen such a sight before. These stars… I’ve never… seen them so bright and numerous.”

There was no layer of wonderment coating his words.

Sensing the low mood, Sozin suspended his line of thought completely, clearing his mind to focus on what was important. He marvelled at the vast dissimilarity in their moods. Then his friend’s words sunk in.

Sight strove towards the stars; he hummed contemplatively “...You’re right. Actually… it’s the same in the Earth Kingdom, these stars, and the Water Tribes. They’re just not like this...” he bit down on his lip harshly, preventing further words from escaping.

“...in the Fire Nation,” Roku finished for him when the prince found himself unable, no such restrictions shackling his speech.

Through the newly-opened pit hollowing him out from the inside, he haltingly asked, “Do you think it’s because...?”

“Maybe,” replied Roku.

They didn’t speak again for a long while, retreating into their own, separate, thoughts.

✹ ✹

A warm shoulder nudged his own. _When had they gotten so close?_ He turned his head— a _mistake_ — he knew as soon as he completed half the motion; Roku was already staring back, gaze intent, focused entirely on him.

Breaths mingled— he was _too close_ , “Hey.”

“Hey,” — he was _too far_.

Closer. come. _Closer_ still.

close. _close_.

 _come_. to _me_.

✹ ✹

A shared gaze— held. Both of them— _trapped_. The prince opened his mouth, but formed no words, lips parting uselessly as Roku’s gaze broke away from his own to fall onto the movement. His heart-rate increase ten-fold, beating twice, thrice, four times; he licked his lips, slowly with the other attention rapt.

Then. Roku’s gaze darted back up and this time he _knew_ ; he knew they held the same _mad_ idea. The space between them had diminished to almost nothing. _Foolish_. His companion let out a halting, hitching breath, then moved closer, pure, utter want leading, _ruling_ his actions. Sozin froze; Roku didn’t halt, didn’t halt until there was shared breath between them. They gazed at each other, one panicked, the other questioning.

His companion stared at him and when the prince’s expression stayed _still still still_ , he looked up, letting out a hiss, a sobering exhale of repressed actions and furtive thoughts, and retreated, but before he could pull away completely, the prince’s palm found a home in the curve of his cheek, and an unsaid offer sung itself in the air between the two.

Sparking between them, a livewire flashed into being and gazes met again, renewed, with a tentative certainty that Sozin ( _finally_ ) haltingly encouraged. He didn’t, couldn’t think as he drank in the atmosphere, held in thrall; he could get intoxicated on _just this_.

He had never shared such an intimate moment with anyone before and his hesitation showed. In contrast, Roku was not so inexperienced; a fact he found to be true within seconds, as he moved confidently into his space— no reservation in his movements.

Sozin didn’t question a thing. How could he have? His mind swam, lightheaded, delirious by the sheer surprise of it all. Roku came closer and his thoughts cried their last, quieting into a focused stillness, only one thought, one need echoing. Both of them caught in the same web, it only constricted, tying them tighter together.

His partner caressed his bottom lip, finger insistent, digging in almost painfully, and gradually— taking his time, the anticipation palpable, a beat, a beat, a beat, _then_ — slotted his own mouth perfectly with the prince’s. His gaze shuttered, rapturous, while Sozin looked on, stupefied expression on his face once more— _what was happening_ — but before long, he was also— _gone_.

 _Ah_. Roku held him in such a way, and the delicate treatment rankled. Irritation ignited, racing along his nerves. And so, he pressed back harder. And so, his partner pulled him in even more.

Giving in was an eventuality, unpreventable, inevitable. Roku, his only guide, to this unfamiliar _heat_ , to the sensations raging an internal war, Sozin held onto him like a drowning man to a lifeline, fingers clutching, pure desperation and something else he _wouldn’t_ , _couldn’t_ name.

Feeling burst out with a touch, but he still buried the words; unsaid, they burned down down _down_ , scorching his throat. It was a fever that they shared, bliss only ascending to greater heights with every moment, every exhale, every sigh, every gasp, he would never again be able to resurface.

The prince might have started uncertain, but quick on the uptake, between one kiss and the next— _oh_ , they bled together, his head spun anew— he began to match Roku’s movements. He gave back what was given and added more, more, _more_ to the fire raging between them.

Awareness a dim dawn under shifted gravity. “Ouch…” Suddenly shoved, a sharp pain stabbed when back met hard, unforgiving ground; he glared up at Roku. A half-apologetic look was the only answer.

The other firebender bracketed his body, no time wasted, no break offered, and Roku took and took and he _took_ ; Sozin eagerly gave _everything_.

✹ ✹

The rest of the trip passed by in a blur. They had ventured far from comfortable familiarity, untread ground of an intimacy never before explored a yawning abyss underneath; gazes avoided, silence a physical presence draping itself in-between the two, Sozin and Roku tread the long way home together— _alone_.


	2. Chapter 2

“You started practising without me?”

The voice shattered the serenity, startling him, and the prince dropped the cup he had been drinking. He stared down at the broken ceramic on the floor before his bare feet, counting a breath and then another, before he straightened to look over at his… _friend_.

“Well… I.. wasn’t sure if you would—”

“ _Sozin_.” The prince just looked at Roku wordlessly, finding himself in an increasingly familiar position: one where the other’s thoughts eluded him entirely.

“Okay. _Okay_.”

✹ ✹

And there were hitches and pauses, no words to be said, thoughts unshared, yet time mended the situation into relative normality, eventually.

Normality.

Missed steps. Halting laughter.

Normality.

Shared gazes going on for far, _far_ too long.

Normality.

Touches that lingered a hair’s breadth too far to be considered _innocent_.

_Yearning. Searching. Reaching._

_Normality_.

✹ ✹

And if he, on nights the candle by his bedside burned deep into the recesses of its holder, sunk deeply into hazed, fervent memories over and over and _over_ , his heart beating a skewed rhythm; _no one had to know_.

✹ ✹

The two firebenders circled each other, both waiting for the other to make the opening move.

“You haven’t improved a bit since last time, Roku,” Sozin taunted, grinning impishly. “At this rate, you’ll _never_ beat me.”

“Oooo.” Roku’s expression shifted into a smug grin. “Harsh words from someone who accidentally singed off half their eyebrows trying to boil something as simple as a pot of tea.”

“That was one time! Are you going to ever stop bringing up that story?”

His friend raised one perfectly arched eyebrow. “Do you really need an answer to that?”

Roku moved first, bringing his leg around in an arc and into a sharp strike heading into the fire prince’s side. Or it would have been a sharp strike if Sozin hadn’t avoided at the last moment.

His friend let out a discontented noise and the fire prince only smiled, the response causing a twitch to develop on Roku’s brow; a twitch that only increased in intensity as Sozin continued avoiding Roku’s attacks, not returning any of his own.

“Why.” A fistful of fire coming swiftly his way, sloppy in its execution. “Won’t.” A hasty kick. “You.” An easily avoided wall of flame. “ _Attack_.” And finally, a frustrated bitten off scream.

Sozin didn’t respond.

_Get away._

Get away from _me_.

And Roku, taking his silence as a further taunt, only grew more aggressive in his movements.

So on they went, an eternal dance, an eternal struggle. Circling, side-stepping, weaving, almost as if choreographed, every move known, every instinct memorized.

The prince landed light on his feet, and grounded himself more firmly into the densely packed dirt, preparing to intercept a strike, low and to the right.

But instead of darting his way and attacking, as Sozin had anticipated, Roku dashed straight forward— a direct lunge, his movements the opposite of what was habitual, frustration biting into rhythm. Sozin’s arms came up to form a block before consciousness could even process the sudden shift.

Sozin was the one forced back, yet his friend was the one looking dissatisfied. Roku advanced, and the prince leapt back, keeping the careful distance.

In the end, it was a stray root that concluded the face-off.

Sozin fell— straight onto Roku, their limbs arrayed in all directions, forming a graceless heap. His vision swam, once, and then reorientated. Opening his eyes, all that formed his view was the other firebender, his hair askew, loose strands framing his face, slightly pained grimace, and brilliant, shining eyes.

He slowly, ever so slowly, lifted a hand off the ground and brushed back the dark locks, revealing a complete view of the other’s startled appearance.

But he didn’t stop there, didn’t stop while he was ahead— oh why, _why hadn’t he stopped_.

Sozin gradually descended, lessening the valley into a space, a breath, and then— just for a moment— only for a moment— they _connected_.

Shortly afterwards, the prince found himself, on his back, agape at the sky, sudden pain rushing the daze that had overtaken to blooming clarity. His friend was nowhere to be seen and— _what had he done_.

✹ ✹

The way that his friend sat next to him was unusual: perching lightly, ready to leave at the slightest provocation. It was a state Roku should never be when in his company. Guilt bubbled in the pit of Sozin’s stomach for causing this… _chasm_ between them.

His friend’s cough felled the hush. “I… you… well, do you want to...?”

A beat in where confusion rose and then slowly thawed into cautious hope. “Want… um… that?”

“Yeah… _that_. We should—”

“—yeah. How should we?”

Roku was the one who leaned in first— no surprise to be had there— yet Sozin followed, hesitation curiously absent.

It was _soft_ , the kiss they shared. Sozin sighed into it. It was everything he had been quietly asking for, _yearning_ for.

Awkwardness hung over their actions, but eagerness took the lead. Where there was only a rift a moment ago, soon there was nothing at all.

✹ ✹

Roku paused in his actions and retreated, uncertainty clear on his face. “Was that okay?”

Sozin sighed, “If you keep asking, we won’t get anywhere worth going.” He wondered where the previous bravado of that _one night_ — the thought of which lit a fire under that he quickly pressed down— had gone.

Roku glanced over and his sheepish expression vanished. With mischief twinkling in his eyes, he teased, “You’re sounding a little too eager there. _Hmmm_.” He tapped his chin in mock-thought. “I wonder—”

“Stooooop,” Sozin pushed him and his friend only laughed. The reaction raked a jagged edge over sensitive, exposed nerves.

_Do you want to? Is it only me. Only me?_

Sozin bit his lip, undecided, and then sighed. “But if you’re uncomfortable, we can stop.” _He didn’t want to_. _He just wanted the wet, warm heat of Roku’s mouth on his again and again. He wanted with a fever that left him breathless, reeling with the weight of it._

“Nah, it’s okay. We have to get somewhere worth going, right?” Roku winked and the prince’s brow twitched in mild irritation. _And his stomach sunk just that much more_.

_Only me._

“Will you stop making fun of me?” Sozin grumbled back, fully aware of the sulk he was diving into.

“Not on your life.”

“But _why_ ,” a plaintive whine.

“That’s the price of our friendship. You sit there and don’t complain while I get to make fun of you.”

“Hey! How’s that fair?”

“Because I said so and so shall it be,” the mock expression of seriousness melted off of Roku’s face in an instant, unable to keep. And Sozin could only helplessly smile back, affection bleeding true.

✹ ✹

“You need to eat,” the voice pleaded with him, but only the shake of a head answered. Everything in his head climbed to a fever pitch; he couldn’t process anything, anymore. He was vaguely aware of Roku sitting with him for days on end, patient, _ever so patient_ , yet he only kept the other at bay, _pushed him away_.

“Sozin. _Please_. Please talk to me,” his friend begged, taking the hands, with which Sozin cradled his head, into his own, steadier pair.

Sozin half-heartedly tried to wrench away from the other firebender’s grasp, but Roku was persistent. Tired of fighting, he creaked his eyes open. The prince couldn’t look into his friend’s concerned countenance without guilt washing over. _Instead_ , he stared remotely into the distance, straight ahead into a familiar corner of the wall _where his mother used to read him stories before she_ — and suddenly shifted to face his friend, finding him the better of two evils.

The hand that came up to caress his cheek was nothing but tenderness; it had Sozin sucking in a shaky, uncertain breath. Roku searched his hazed eyes, and the prince didn’t know what his friend sought to find, but he let him drink his fill, undisturbed.

Roku’s hand traced the line of his face, touch light, but insistent. “It will get better, not _easier_ , but better.” Roku’s expression was resolute as if this was a mission he would personally undertake.

The smallest of smiles unfolded, and his voice quiet, hoarse with disuse, “Is that a promise?”

The smile met utter seriousness, “ _I swear it_.”

✹ ✹

The complicated feelings that swirled within were nothing new, as his gaze hooked and held the willowy figure of his friend and the shy grin of the one who held his heart, but the biting, bitter jealousy was unfamiliar. He buried it down, deeply to where he would never dare seek, and mustered up a smile, one suitably fit for his station, fit for who he was _supposed_ to be.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” he greeted when he approached the duo.

Ta Min turned his way and, upon noticing the warm smile she held ready for him, guilt rose up, adding to the storm wreaking havoc inside. She was beautiful, kind eyes her most defining feature. And she was sweet like his mother always seemed to be dropping mentions of. He knew perfectly well why Roku stoked such a flame.

_And it hurt like nothing else ever had before._

“We were just discussing the Lotus Festival.”

“Oh. Are you going? ...And is anyone accompanying you?” he asked, dread, well and truly risen.

“Roku just asked me the same question. Isn’t that funny,” Ta Min laughed into her hand, the perfect picture of what a noble lady was.

Roku and Sozin stared at one another, one in confusion, the other with a flurry of emotions he didn’t have a name to, _didn’t want to put a name to_.

‘I asked first,’ Roku’s expression seemed to say, stare stubborn on his, _daring_.

For the _first time_.

The prince stared back, gaze weary. And for just a moment, tiredness crept in fully; he didn’t want to keep up this charade. Sozin let honesty bleed into his expression.

And yet. _It didn’t matter_.

He didn’t notice. _He didn’t notice_. How had Roku not noticed by now. The truth was evident. Cut with it, bleeding it out, evidence dyeing him— _love, love, love me_ — all over, Sozin stared into those familiar eyes. And Roku still couldn’t see a thing.

For the _last time_.

An abyss. That’s all this _feeling_ even was anymore. Roku’s expression remained resolute. And as for him, _he was a scream for which there never would be any reply_.

“Sorry. I don’t have the time. There are simply too many duties I must attend to.” Sozin averted his gaze. “Why don’t the two of you go together? Without me? You guys can tell me about all the fun afterwards; it’ll make up for any dullness I have to suffer.”

Roku immediately brightened at this and turned Ta Min’s way, expression hopelessly adoring, and the prince thinned his lips, rolling his eyes.

Sozin watched Ta Min’s shy acceptance and Roku’s barely hidden glee in a fog, retreating into himself, distant— _away_ from the scene. He had already stepped away, but the duo hadn’t noticed his unsubtle retreat, too focused on one another.

_It was meant to be this way._

✹ ✹

Fumbling in the dark was too generous a term, but it was what they shared; this and nothing more. Nothing more, nothing more, _they would never be anything more_.

All that’s (not) important happened in the dark, never to reach the light of day.

Hand held in a vice grip above his head, Sozin twitched the digits of his trapped hand and then curled them to align more fully with Roku’s, the only gentle contact that existed between them.

The hand curled in his hair was rough, demanding, urgent, the solid body over his, unrelenting. A tongue licked a slow, _possessive_ path down scratches that told the tales of their previous _whatever this was_.

 _What even was this?_ The question endlessly reverberated.

Was he _ashamed_ of him? Where were those soft touches, caresses, the adoring laughter framing every kiss, every vulnerability shared? Where had it all gone? _All gone so wrong_?

 _He knew there was no hope for this from the start yet yet yet_ —

A puff of breath warmed the shell of his ear and then his friend? lover? shifted in one long, deliberate glide and all thoughts abandoned. A gasp escaped him, and Roku noticing the reaction, repeated the movement, again and again and _again_ , and then they were both forces colliding with each other, chasing an end separately even while together.

✹ ✹

“Oh… we… uh, were kinda hoping… to go… _alone_?” Roku stared at a point past his shoulders, voice halting.

“Ah. I _see_ ,” he replied, voice flat. “You guys have fun then.”

Sozin was the one that encouraged it, but he never expected anything to actually happen between the two. Being the catalyst of his undoing _burned_ , fast and fierce as if he was the torch setting _himself_ aflame.

The other firebender finally dragged his gaze to look into the fire prince’s. Roku ran a hand through his hair in an idle motion, fingers shaking.

“Sozin.”

Sozin only quirked a brow. _Here it comes_.

“We should. Well, I’m serious about Ta Min. So... we should stop.” Despite his earlier nervousness, as soon as he said _her name_ , determination bloomed true and hesitancy disappeared.

If Roku saw the rigidness of Sozin’s posture or the strange plasticity of his expression, he didn’t let on, smile irrepressible.

To keep him _happy_ …

“I was about to talk to you about that. I think we should stop, too.”

Roku lit up, nervousness entirely gone. “Oh, good. I thought this conversation was going to be much more difficult.”

_To keep him happy._

“Nope. It’s not a big deal. Nothing serious. We agreed, right?”

A grin. “Right.”

Sozin dug his nails _in_ , hiding the droplets of scarlet, he had squeezed into being, dripping down, behind his back.

And his _friend_ didn’t see a thing.

✹ ✹

Avatar Roku. Avatar _Roku_. The Fire Sages’ words, their _reveal_ , provoked a spiralling whirlwind, raging a storm inside his mind. The meaning of those words, the _implication_ , Sozin couldn’t even begin to—

“You know, it’s kind of inconsiderate for them to do this here. I mean, it is _your_ birthday too,” a kind voice broke him out of his fervid haze.

He returned Ta Min’s smile, but it probably came out more akin to a grimace with how the concern lining her brow deepened.

“I… it’s fine.”

She only frowned at his response, but before she could offer more words of— _unbearable and unasked for_ — comfort the prince didn’t want to hear, the tsungi horns began their tune in earnest. He shot her an apologetic look and made his way to the center dais, his gait uneven, his steps rushed.

✹ ✹

Checking on his friend, after, wasn’t even a choice; he naturally went, worry shadowing his steps. When he reached the other firebender’s chambers, he paused for a breath before opening the doors to the room, yet still, even with all his resolve, he lingered there in the doorway, unsure and searching.

Seeing Roku’s broken up expression put him at a loss for words. His friend’s whole world was changed so suddenly and then that same world put on his shoulders on top of that. Sozin couldn’t even begin to imagine what was running through his friend’s head.

So instead of the frivolity of useless words that wouldn’t help anyone, he gave, instead. The royal heirloom, the one artifact that he had been so proud to receive, he handed it over, reverently, but easily so. If the prince couldn’t go with him— _and they had never been apart before how was he_ — then he could still be with his friend, the Avatar— _and the shape of that thought, that truth, was still a jagged edge_ — in spirit.

✹ ✹

They sat together for a while, not speaking, the reality of their separation breathed cloyingly between them— a choking silence. And Sozin still didn’t understand. It didn’t feel real. How could Roku… just _leave_? Just like that. So suddenly. _Gone_.

“So… this is it, huh?” Roku’s voice was quiet, his shoulders sagged forward.

The prince regarded his friend carefully. “Seems so.”

A beat in which nothing was said and gazes avoided.

“I—”

“Well—”

Nervous laughter was exchanged and then silence.

A hand curled around his. He glanced down. Warmth added to his own. The prince leaned their foreheads together, and they just _were_ for a moment. _Just for a moment_.

A breath in. A breath out.

Together _now_.

Soon apart.

Breath _in_. Breath _out_.

And the moment broke— filled with words never to be said— he leaned fully forwards, closer, seeking the other’s warmth, and they met in the middle. Despite it being ages, not a single step was missed, every inch of each other intimately known. How could he have forgotten? It was impossible. Roku was a magnet and the prince was pulled in effortlessly, inevitably every time, without any hope of ever escaping.

He clamped his eyes tightly shut, expression pained, but it didn’t stop the tears slashing a path down; yet, the two didn’t pause, the saltiness shared between them no deterrent. The long kiss between them, lived in the spaces between, before Avatar, before Firelord, after sun-kissed mornings spent training, after shared laughter, after endlessly precious moments. It was unhurried as this was the only time left for them.

When they pulled apart, Sozin again cast his gaze downward, falling upon their joined hands. Suddenly, he couldn’t stand the sight; he pushed Roku away.

Sozin didn’t need to hear Roku’s words. The taller boy left without a backwards glance and the fire prince sat alone, bereft, in an empty, dark room, the only company kept the mad whirling of his thoughts.

✹ ✹

A whole affair was arranged to bid farewell to the newly-unveiled Avatar. Masses of people had shown themselves to the occasion, wishing him well on his journey. Roku made the rounds, greeting relatives, well-wishers, gawkers, and anybody who requested even the _slightest bit_ of his attention.

The crown prince stood to the side, off on his own, observing the commotion with a wry expression. He had not hidden himself within the thick crowd. Today, no attention was aimed his way, not even from his _best friend_.

His lonesome figure stood still, watching, and waiting for an impossibility that would never come to pass. His hope was not rewarded— _of course, it wasn’t, how could he have expected anything different_ — and the affair culminated without an ounce of the acknowledgement he craved.

Sozin stood alone, the walls of his city surrounding him from all sides, and Avatar Roku was gone.

✹ ✹

He started and stopped the touch of pen onto paper. Sometimes, his toil would yield a few scant sentences; overwhelmingly, however, most nights, he could conceive of nothing.

And in the end, every word, every sentiment ended up torn, the result— correspondence that shared nothing at all.

✹ ✹

“Our people are healthy and happy in a way previously unseen.”

“But our production is slowing… without the required materials… the supply would start to fall short of demand.”

 _And it would all come crashing down_.

“And then where would we be?”

✹ ✹

Sozin looked down at his hands, flexing the digits idly, his thoughts distant, breathing life into a dream far from where he resided. So close, yet so far apart, his words would never reach the other. So many things _left unsaid_. So many letters cluttering his drawers to the brim, never sent, the only eyes that would ever read the words, his own.

✹ ✹

It was what he had witnessed in the bowels of that ‘great city,’ _Ba Sing Se_ , that first sparked what would become a burning passion; taking his thoughts away, the one thing that wouldn’t leave him, the one thing he could rectify. If he could just— _fix_ this.

I need. I _need_. What can I _do_?

He wouldn’t have seen a thing— not a thing, never a thing, blindness had taken a hold and he was _never going back_ — if he hadn’t gone off on his own— on his own is all he would ever be _now_.

Alone.

So many people within that city had so little when the _lucky few_ enjoyed so much. He could. He _could_. This one thing. This this _this_. This he could make amends. The blatant injustice of it all rang discordant, sentiment nagging as he walked the valleys of home. There was no justice in any of this.

The happy expressions here were a stark contrast to the naked, raw desperation in those streets. He had seen it all. Despair was something he feared, despair was something he welcomed. It was an enemy, but _despair was something he invited to tea_. He could. He _could_.

This wasn’t the end. Not the end. He could. _Still still still_.

One side feasted; the other starved.

Is this what we _live_ for?

Is this what we _die_ for?

If the bounty the Fire Nation hoarded onto themselves was shared... _Well_. What a different, _better_ world that would be. And with his new position, he held the power to create such a reality.

Starving. He was _starving_ for it.

_Praise me. Love me._

He could— he could _fix everything_.

✹ ✹

And then, as suddenly as he had left, Roku _returned_. And he came— straight to Sozin, first, before anything, _anyone_ else.

✹ ✹

For a while, it was almost like it used to be. They were once again the best of friends. All the distance in the world and that fact had not changed.

It was such a _relief_.

Roku slotted back into his side as if he had never left, hole filled; Sozin was once again content.

All he needed was _this this this_.

 _Just_ this.

✹ ✹

“I want you,” his heart swooped, once, “to be my best man,” and then plummeted low; hiding somewhere it would never be found again.

Severed, entirely numbed, Sozin only smiled, expression straining into something excruciatingly painful. “I was wondering when you would ask her. Of course, I’ll be your best man.”

_Yours, yours, yours._

_How could I have— how could I have thought— for a single minute—_ no _._

 _Never, never,_ never again _._

✹ ✹

Roku walked away from him.

 _Roku had walked away_.

From _him_.

Out of all the responses he had been prepared for, this one never occurred to him as a possibility.

He just couldn’t comprehend. Sozin was only reflecting on what was best. And he could do so much, but if Roku joined him… _they’d be a force of nature_. Oh, the things they could do— _together_.

And he said no.

And the rejection _burned_.

What was the issue? What was his problem? The mixing of the peoples of the world was inevitable. The short-sightedness of his friend lit a flame into a spark of flickering rage.

Roku had been off, away from home for years. How could he profess to know what was best for the Fire Nation better than him, the _Firelord_ , himself?

✹ ✹

But when had they ever— and then he remembered— for the briefest of moments, they had connected. Yet now, he found himself with one-half of a rhythm lacking a matching pair. Roku began to— ever so subtly _at first_ and then _not at all_ — pull away from him.

And it shouldn’t have shifted everything so absolutely— he had become used to this gaping lack, but somehow, this was _so much worse_ than any distance, any _person_.

This one was purposeful, and that was an acute anguish from which he had no remedy.

✹ ✹

He pushed on with his plan.

Eventually, Roku noticed.

There was no grace in the way his former friend stormed in, rage weighing down every step, every thud loud in the previous tranquillity of the room.

It was an unfamiliar emotion, one Sozin had never seen the Avatar carry. The Firelord sat still, waiting, waiting for the intruder to close in on him.

Roku spat harsh words of reprimand. Sozin didn’t hear a thing. All he heard was the sharp tone, the rudeness of it all settling like hot coals down his spine.

 _How dare he_. Speak to his Firelord that way.

He had no right. _No right_ to speak to him like _that_.

Like a stranger. Like his _enemy_.

Like Sozin hadn’t done everything for him. For him. Endlessly, for _him_.

Tumult rose to a fever pitch, heart thrashing in its cradle, beating its swan song. He leapt, taking every ugly, misshapen thing he had ever hidden deep inside, and finally released it back to its source. It was the most violent catharsis he had ever partaken. Seeing it returned to him hurt in the most agonizing way, in the _best_ way.

The point of no return was reached and they pushed even further. But. Yet. Even so. Roku’s eyes flashed an eerie, unknown blue that wasn’t anything familiar. The Avatar bore unto him with a ferocity no one had ever directed his way— besides himself.

It was over before it even truly began. The crackling fury inside him, still brimming and abundant, barely depleted. And still, he could return nothing back. Absolution cut short, he glared while the Avatar gave him his ultimatum, and it took everything in him to not spit into _that_ cold, unforgiving face.

Roku left as quickly as he had come. Sozin mutely regarded the destruction all around: the throne room, _his_ throne room was _lost_. Abject humiliation and a simmering, roaring hatred rushed through his veins.

Hate _you_. Hate. _Hate_. It used to be— no memories, no more forgiveness, no more blindness— all of it, no more. No more of this. No. _No_.

And. Roku was wrong. About him. About _everything_. If he wasn’t going to— no. Anything less than total loyalty marked him a _traitor_. Roku was a roadblock; he had purposely thwarted him. There would be no second chances.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the pained breathing that woke him. The ragged, uneven sounds tugged at the edges of his thoughts and he jolted upright with a start.

He made haste to her perch, worry increasing with each non-answer. “Aarushi? Aarushi!”

Positioning himself in a crouch in front of her, he gently stroked the smaller scales above her brow. But she didn’t turn, didn’t huff, didn’t respond. Dull eyes stared dimly into the distance. And Sozin felt his heart sink as a nameless fear bloomed into being.

As he continued his fruitless pleading, the determined slant of his mouth hardened. He would not give up on this. He would never give up on her.

_Please tell me what is wrong._

The barest of movements and an eye met his through a fog. Instinct drove his actions as he placed a hand over the crown of her head.

 _They connected._ And he— a vision—

Roku.

Dread pooled.

_Roku._

He rushed to the nearest open window. And he saw. He saw it all.

Catastrophe.

Still and silent, panic built, terror an iron grip, and any calm he could have summoned fell away. Hellfire rained down and he could do nothing but stare.

✹ ✹

Aarushi and him— there was only one thought, one need that drove them— they approached utter destruction.

He touched down to see Roku in such a pitiful shape. Competing sentiments warred inside him. _Once, I had. Once, we had._

Hate. Love. Hate. Hate. _Hate_.

Betrayal. Friend. Lover. _What was he to think? What was he to do?_

So he helped, despite everything inside pleading at him— _begging him, condemning him_. I can’t do this. Not anymore. Don’t want anything to do. To do. To do with you.

_Enemy._

Yet. Yet. Yet.

They worked as one _as if they had never_ —

_~~Why do you want me only when you need me?~~ _

Everything was a mess inside like it _always was_ around him— _Roku_.

That _smile_. This nameless _feeling_.

It’s not worth this.

_Roku wasn’t worth it._

✹ ✹

With calamity striking— tumult a dull din in the background— Sozin remained curiously calm. He regarded the distressed, pleading picture of the one on his knees before him.

A hand held out… Sozin couldn’t look away.

His mind spun feverishly. He could reach out, with his own, he could— _save his life-long ~~friend~~ ~~lover~~ ~~nothing at all~~_ , and yet…

“Without you, all my plans are suddenly possible.”

Realization and a fiery fury set in on Roku’s weathered face, but Sozin only cooled further.

He had a vision and he wouldn’t stop.

Not for anyone. And, absolutely, not for _this traitor_.

His dream was worth _everything_.

✹

A listlessness grew inside of his dragon, it festered angrily until sickness came for her with a fury never before seen.

✹

And then she was _gone_.

And then he was _alone_.

✹

The next Avatar, because, _of course,_ Roku wouldn’t leave this world, would return, be born again as an _airbender_. His greatest threat. It would be best to strike while he was still vulnerable and not enough _to stand in his way_. _Again_.

He was left with no other choice. He had to do this to spread the superior culture of his land. With no opposition or any threats to deal with, he would be free to do as he wished.

And so, _he made sure the Air Temples burned_.

✹

Despite all that he had done, planned, and convinced— he had been so thorough — no airbender would ever walk again— he had razed it all— and _yet._ The Avatar eluded him _still_. Roku had won _from beyond the grave_.

Clutching his head, Sozin could picture _his_ mocking expression, failure tasting like ashes on his tongue.

✹

He searched. Day in, and day out. Day in. Day out. Nothing. _Nothing_. There was never _anything._

Ceaselessly, he scoured all known lands up to and including the edges of the world, waves crashing against the current, constantly beholding new horizons, endless green, endless blue, sun always high in unending crystal skies, and still. found. _nothing_.

✹

✹

A collection of pretty lies that Sozin told himself, the final straw of which he could never face, never recover, and never mend.

It turned out for the best. _No, it didn’t._ He didn’t have any regrets. _Regrets poured themselves onto pages and pages, never out of mind, never enough, only more, day by day; he regretted more and more._

He was not in love with Roku. _He was so in love, drowning in it; it rained and it poured. He was only one man and it was too much, too little, too far._

 _The last words he said to him_. It wasn’t worth it. It wasn’t worth it. He was all alone, death waited by his door, _and it wasn’t worth it_.

#  ~~✹~~

**Author's Note:**

>  **Me:** Sozin... you deserve to feel bad.  
>  **anachronist:** Welcome to hell, old man. Your dinner of despair with a side of regret is served, paired with a glass of the most exquisite tears. Enjoy your stay.
> 
> ★ Let me know if this story crushed your heart reading it like it crushed my heart to write! ★


End file.
